heavenlydecree | my heart was limping and this is the end of the road //

my heart was limping and this is the end of the road //

[Despite existing in some form or another for twenty-four years, Takatora still couldn't be sure if he was thankful or not for his ability to function so much like a human. With every new body, his appearance and functions improved significantly. In the beginning, he could remember, his expressions had always been stoic, his voice monotone and unemotional, his body stiff and unforgiving. But, as Yggdrasill's technology improved over the years, so did his bodies.

Now, it was near impossible to tell him apart from a human other than carefully hidden ports on his body, all with various levels of power over each other to avoid crashing completely in the event of an accident destroying one or more. His skin was warm to the touch, his emotions more strongly developed (in part from monitoring his 'brother' so closely for so many years), and he could even eat and process food, though tasting was a bit shaky. It was one of the things that wasn't quite as important, though it was one of the many pieces currently standing by for his next body, if only because Takatora had expressed curiosity.

Today was one of the few days of the week he didn't have to work. Takatora had already reported in to his 'father' the night before with updates about the company and how everything was going. It never felt strange to be so subservient to the man, especially when Takatora had known his role for a very long time. It was simply another one of his duties.

Straightening the collar of his shirt, Takatora rolled his neck, stretching his body a bit before reaching back to self-consciously fluff his hair back down over one of his ports. It was hidden well enough that even someone touching his head wouldn't be able to tell it was there unless they knew, but he was always keenly aware of its presence.

It had taken only a few minutes to be satisfied with his appearance, at which point Takatora left his room and carefully walked down the hall, knocking on Mitsuzane's door. Even though they had known each other for so long, Takatora was always skittish about their interactions. He was fairly sure Mitsuzane had forgotten any times he'd come close to finding out the truth about his 'brother', but Takatora had always been concerned about the consequences. The last thing he wanted was for Mitsuzane to be frightened of him, or worse, disgusted by him.]

... Mitsuzane?

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Some of the technicians will be with you for the moment. I'll talk to you when it's over.

[He spared a glance at the body, which was already starting to twitch violently. He'd made sure it was strapped down, but the chest was still by now. It shouldn't take more than a few minutes, but if he was curious he could always watch the footage later. For the moment he headed out, disposing of his gloves and pulling off his lab coat.]

Thank you.

[While the surgery hadn't bothered him, the twitching did. Instinctively, Takatora held tighter on to Mitsuzane's hand, doing his best to be comforting even though he knew it didn't matter. Mitsuzane wasn't here, but he felt obligated to stay with the body because it was still a part of his precious brother that was disappearing. He fought down the urge to whisper comforting words, knowing there was no use in comforting a body without someone inside of it.

That didn't make it any easier to sit through.]

[The machines started to go silent, as the last signs of life slipped away. The body stilled and the grip on Takatora's hand slackened, fingers no longer directed to hold by anything. One of the technicians bowed his head while the other looked at him and rolled his eyes.]

[Even after Mitsuzane's body released his hold, Takatora did not let go. He lingered for a few more moments, then carefully raised his brother's hand to his face, pressing a kiss to the back of it and then resting his forehead against it. It was no longer his brother, but it had still been a part of him. From now on, everything would be different. No matter what they did, there was no way his brother would ever be the same.

The emotion of fear was one Takatora was not very familiar with, but they were becoming increasingly acquainted.

After another minute, Takatora gave the hand one last squeeze and one last kiss before setting it back down at the side of Mitsuzane's body. He didn't want to stop, but the part of his brother that was still alive needed him.]

I'm ready.

[One of the assistants ushered Takatora into another room, where Ryouma hooked a cord into Takatora.]

Just lie back and don't fight the simulation. It's designed to be responsive to his needs, so he may have already altered his surroundings.

[Slowly at first, but then more solidly, Takatora would find himself in library. It was empty of people, save for faint footsteps in the distance, but the titles of the books were all personalized. 'Geology notes', 'history notes', 'literature notes'. Closer to the footsteps were other books - 'my first bike ride', 'birthday presents', 'times I fell'. Soft music started to play, and the steps stopped. Mitsuzane's form was visible, curled up on a soft chair like one they had at home.]

[This, of course, was not something Takatora had expected. He had been concerned about having to sit in a room with what remained of his brother, attempting to comfort him while his brother would be aware of the lack of form, that he would have to explain everything. This... Takatora wasn't sure if this was better, but part of him hoped it would be.

Seeing Mitsuzane's form so soon after having watched his body die was a bit strange. The reasonable, logical part of Takatora's processes were fighting at first, knowing the simulation wasn't real, but he managed to fight it down.

Carefully, Takatora walked towards him, but kept a careful distance. It would be difficult to assess the sort of state he was in just yet.]

Mitsuzane...

[He looked up a little, trying to smile, but his whole body looked... exhausted. The chair stretched out, became a couch, and the library seemed to back up. Not disappear, but it hung near the edges as it faded from importance.]

... I know I'm dead, nii-san.

[Oh. Well, he had hoped for this to be a gentle easing into things, but it didn't look as though that was going to happen. Takatora crossed the room, putting one hand on the back of the couch before he sat down next to Mitsuzane's head, leaving room for the other to curl up on him if he chose to.]

I'm sorry.

[He leaned against his brother, closing his eyes.]

I mean... it makes sense that you're here... though I thought there wouldn't be anything once... I was gone.

[Takatora reached over to pull Mitsuzane closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and nuzzling in against his hair. It was reminiscent of the time they spent together when Mitsuzane was a child.]

So, you remember what happened.

[He made a soft noise, somewhere between confusion and contentment.]

I remember the accident. I remember being loaded into the ambulance. I don't... remember a lot after that. They gave me a shot... I think it was supposed to put me under, but there was a lot of pain. I remember being moved. I remember wanting to scream. Everything hurt. But then it was quiet.

I see. I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain.

[Now, he also wondered if Mitsuzane remembered what he had seen of Takatora's body, the rips and tears and popping and metal pieces, along with the way he knew his eyes must have looked at the time.

With the way Mitsuzane spoke... It seemed as though he was thinking it was the end of the line, that he had truly died with no alternative. .. and possibly that Takatora had died with him.]

If you had a choice, would you go back?

[He sighed, and tried to relax. His body felt... strange. Not entirely there.]

It's not fair. I never got to... I couldn't protect you. You got hurt too. It's not fair that you were hurt. But I... there's no way to undo what's happened in the past.

It's the older brother's job to protect the younger one. I did everything I could and ... to protect you, it wasn't enough.

[Carefully, Takatora stroked Mitsuzane's hair, leaning against him and doing his best to be comforting, just as he had been all day.]

But I want to know if you'd want a second chance. And what you would do with it.

I know... but I want to protect you, too. And... there's a lot I didn't get to do. So... if I could, I would. I don't know that it's possible, though.

Tell me what you want to do when you go back.

[Takatora had no intention of elaborating just yet. He also didn't want to approach the topic of what he truly was, simply to pull suspicion away from it. He knew Mitsuzane was intelligent and had possibly picked up on it, but that was a topic for him to bring up.]

... I want to keep living a life. To do something that matters. Even if it's just helping you, keeping you safe... that's enough for me. I want to do something to make the world better. To make my life matter.

That's very selfless of you. Isn't there anything you want for yourself?

[Takatora continued petting the other's hair, feeling a bit guilty. At least he was giving his brother what he wanted, in a way. He hoped it would be enough.]

... Well living is nice. There's not really anything I need, though. I like music... but I don't know that there's much I really want for my own. You taught me that people like us should help others less fortunate than us.

I see. You're very noble.

[Takatora made a mildly amused noise at that, nudging the side of Mitsuzane's head with his nose.]

I never knew you looked up to me so much.

Well... you're my older brother. Of course I look up to you.

[He smiled a bit and shifted a little closer.]

[Takatora hesitated before resting his chin on Mitsuzane's head, pulling him in and keeping an arm wrapped around him.]

Mitsuzane...

[How was he even supposed to bring up this topic?]

Tell me what else you remember about the accident.

... I don't know how well my mind was working. I know you were hurt but it was like... something tore in your skin. There was... something under there. I know you have... certain spots you don't like to be touched... it...

[Saying it out loud made it seem silly and childish, and even stupid.]

[... really, what was the use in hiding it, anymore? It would be a betrayal of Mitsuzane's trust to keep him in the dark for much longer, especially with what was happening. Mitsuzane was a very intelligent young man and Takatora had no doubt that he would figure things out on his own eventually. Even now, there was so much evidence, coupled with whatever Mitsuzane might have noticed earlier in life.]

I don't wish to lie to you, Mitsuzane...

... I know. But I've never really wanted to ask. I was always afraid that you might not want to talk about it. And I care about you a lot. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.

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